So long and goodnight
by TheDrunkenWerewolf
Summary: A confrontation between Gin and Izuru in the war set after manga chapter 324. Has some references to previous Kira abuse and some Gin abuse. Inspired by the song ‘Helena’ by my chemical romance. There's no happy endings here.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own bleach. Anyone saying otherwise is a liar.

A/N – I can't decide how to end this one, so I'm writing out the two endings. Both of which are angsty.

This is set after the events that took place in 'My imitated smile'. And like that fic this is not written as a yaoi! Got it? No yaoi! Any suggestions made are unintentional.

Advisory warnings on language and some of the content.

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**So long and goodnight (aka - Angst, abuse and heartwrench)  
Chapter 1: Reunion**

"For us there is only one season, the season of sorrow."  
_-- Oscar Wilde, De Profoundis._

Time has been said to heal all wounds, but that is not true. The trauma caused by the abuse inflicted upon a person can never be fully healed. It can never be removed completely from a persons consciousness. The scars it leaves will never be completely gone. There will be a stain on the person's soul. Always. And this stain will cause insecurity and fear, and an inner sense of filth. Like the soul will never be clean.

This is how Kira Izuru feels.

The abuse he suffered will never heal, the scars and bruises have healed, but his soul will never be the same again. He will not trust as fully, he will fear. He will be insecure again. His abuser may have left him but the abuse he suffered will never leave him. He will be forever scarred, and he knows this.

And he knows it's all because of him. For everything that he suffered, for all that he went through, for all of the bruises and cuts; it was all because of Ichimaru Gin. He exhales deeply, clutching his sword. He did not want his enemy to forgive him. After all, what is the point in forgiveness now?

Sheathing it, he takes a good long look at the horizon, and the corpse of the bird at his feet, emptying himself of all hesitation before disappearing to his final destination.

He is ready.

He is ready for the confrontation. He is ready to face the man that caused him so much pain, so much hurt. Time had healed him somewhat, somehow given him the strength to fight, somehow allowed the time for the wounds to begin to heal, time enough to regain some control and face him.

He had not changed. He had not changed at all.

He was still with that ever perplexing smile that would work its way deep into the mind, still with that unwavering expression that would unnerve him many times before now.

Still with those same red eyes that became filled with relentless anger and fury when those hands beat him and his body hurt him. The cold hands that would hold him down, and dig so hard into him that he bled profusely. Like when he would forcefully take him, rape him, abuse him. Kira remembered the raw agony and the relentless ache in every muscle of his body, how he had felt so filthy and dirty afterwards. How traumatised and afraid he was that he would not eat, and that he could not sleep. How he threatened to cut himself just to rid himself of the despair that had engulfed him and made him feel like this. His heart pounded again with that same sense of innate fear that he once felt upon meeting him, feeling the ever growing panic swell within the very pit of him.

"Ohiyo, if it aint lil Izuru-kun."

As soon as Kira's darkened eyes met his, shock overcame him. And Kira stood there, remembering everything that this man had ever done to him.

"Still a tremblin' wreck I see. I though' I taught ya better than tha' Izuru."

Kira swallowed hard, even just hearing his voice brought back memories that he had tried to lock up, to shut away. Memories of the living hell and torment that he had suffered. Of the abuse and the anguish he had gone through. But no matter how hard he had tried, Kira could not escape from these nightmares, his past.

He could only stand there remembering it all;

The blow to his head from the table, the same cold fingers clenching his hair and pulling viciously. How his eyes widened just enough so he could see them, how he was held down and made to bleed. How the one that he had trusted had betrayed him and torn his fragile body apart. Stolen it. How he cried himself to sleep that night, feeling so filthy and used. Feeling like a dirty whore one could find on the streets and in the slums. Being called his bitch. He would never be clean again, never…

Kira was shaking now, trying to steady his breathing. He thought he was ready for this, he thought he was strong enough to face him.

Maybe he wasn't. Maybe the scars went too deep to ever even begin to heal.

But Kira was strong, he knew that. He had survived it, all of it.

"I suppose you know why I am here."

Kira's eyes were cold now, looking right through him. He pushed all of the memories down again. Now wasn't the time or place for them to resurface.

The other's smile widened. "Payback. Fer what I did to ya."

Kira nodded, unsheathing his zanpaktou.

"Gonna kill me then?"

"Yes."

The other smiled menacingly, smirking defiantly at Kira. "You don't have the guts to kill me, Kira. Ya proved that before."

Kira only glared at him, his cold unfeeling eyes staring straight through him as the both of them readied themselves for combat.

"Are ya ready?"

"As I'll ever be."

Gin let his smile widen again, displaying his teeth, giving Kira one of the most sinister grins that would make his blood run cold.

"Good."

Gin disappeared, only to appear behind Kira, who swivelled around to block Gin's blade with his.

"Good reflexes. See ya learned somethin' off me then."

Kira remained quiet. He was only focused on fighting his enemy, facing his abuser. Not breaking down, not giving him the satisfaction. His eyes cold and unfeeling as their swords crossed again, numerous times, and both shinigami's laboured breathing was the only sound that could be heard after some time of this. Kira gave Gin a brief glance. He seemed different from how he remembered him, but then again, Kira had never seen him pushed to the limit like this before. He was fighting to maintain control, Gin was fighting to stay alive.

Kira breathed harshly, neither could continue on fighting each other like this, it did nothing for either of them. It did nothing to fight the pain.

"We should end this, Gin."

The both of them were standing there, ready. Waiting for the other to move. Kira readying his blade into attack position. The both of them are drenched in each others blood.

"Ready, Taichou?"

Gin continued to breathe harshly, not having the entirety of strength left in him any more.

"Attack me. With everythin' ya got."

Kira clutches his blade and Gin's fingertips slowly shift to find their position on the handle of Shinsou, the both of them preparing themselves for what would be the final attack. This was it.

"Izuru."

"Gin."

They run at each other, blades poised high, ready for the kill. Each footstep bringing them closer and closer together. Their intentions now clearly forming in their minds. They run at each other, their pasts coming back now to haunt them. The memories of all the pain and the anger and the hatred flooding back to Kira, getting stronger the closer they came to each other. Until there was nothing, nothing but blood. And silence.

**--------------------**

"Life and death are balanced on the edge of a razor."  
_-- Homer, Iliad_


	2. Chapter 2

A/N - this be ending number one. I couldn't pick which ending I wanted Okay! And CFH, get your tissues! Nao! You will need them.

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**Chapter 2: Forgive me **

"When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look the evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it."  
_-- Lewis B. Smedes._

Pain. Pain was all that coursed through Kira's body as he stood in front of his former taichou. Gin's eyes widened in horror, his blade had shot right through him.

"No." he whispered, still taken back by what had just happened.

"No…"

He gasped, his words faltering. His breath shaking. Izuru had abandoned his zanpaktou and just thrown himself at his abuser, embracing him, and letting the others blade go into his stomach.

"I forgive you."

Even after all the pain he had caused him, for all the abuse that he had given him. For all of the hurt he had caused him, for all the things that Gin had done to him, Izuru had forgiven him. He didn't understand. How could Kira ever forgive him for all of the suffering he caused?

"It's alright. I understand. I know everything. a- about Aizen Taichou."

Kira knew. He knew how Aizen had abused him, and hurt him so deeply. How he had bruised and scarred him, and how much he ached inside for compassion and understanding. How alone and hurt he was. He understood how Gin felt, having experienced the same thing himself. And deep down, Gin knew this was what he had inflicted upon Kira.

"I- I'm so sorry Izuru…"

"I know."

Kira was standing there, clutching onto Gin. Holding him tightly in a warm embrace, giving him what he had long ago thought had vanished from the world: affection, understanding, and compassion.

Gin's eyes started to water, still wondering how he could ever be forgiven for what he did as all of those tears of hurt started to fall. He'd never really wanted to hurt Izuru. He never wanted to hurt Izuru.

"Gomen ne…gomen ne…"

Gin started to sob quietly, being held into Kira's warm embrace. Still with both hands clutching his sword.

"It's okay…" Kira whispered as he clutched Gin tighter, his head resting on one of his shoulders.

"You- you said ya were gonna kill me."

Kira let a gentle smile cross his face, now weary from all that had happened between them, and of all the abuse and the pain. Even after all of the suffering, he could still smile.

"I lied."

They had both fought each other, but neither had any intentions to kill. Kira knew that they had both suffered the same abuse. And that Gin was just as vulnerable as he was. And Gin held onto him.

He felt Kira smile as he breathed out heavily, his body relaxing into him. Gin's breathing increased as he held Kira, slowly lowering him onto the floor while the ever present smile faded from his face. Realising only now just how small and helpless Kira truly was, like he had been. He had inflicted pain upon this body, and it hurt him. It's not like the times he spent with his fukutaichou were all bad. It was not all beatings and abuse, there were some happier times there. Not frequent, barely noticeable, but there. Simple things like the fragments of conversation, the build up of the trust between them. When Kira would bring him tea sometimes, during their earlier days of knowing each other, there was some hint of friendship there. The pain made Kira tremble, making him buckle to his knees. Making him grit his teeth as Gin lowered him slowly to the floor. Gin could see his own soul chilling despair reflected in those once bright eyes, and the floodgates of pain had opened again. Like a wound in the heart, like tears from his eyes.

He could not hold them back.

"Izuru-kun…"

Crying such bitter tears now, he looked at Kira. He knew he was fading, and it was his fault. It was all his fault. This was the last time he would meet those eyes, those eyes that had once been so bright and full of hope for the future. Those eyes that had once seen nothing of pain, of suffering, and of despair.

"This is it."

He knew it, this was the end. Izuru would die now and there was nothing he could do. His heart was breaking apart inside him, he had never wanted to cause him this much pain in his life. But it was not his fault, it was never his fault. He was just a fragile soul caught in the hands of fate, and abused by Aizen. A soul that had been broken into pieces and made to feel so hurt and unloved that he had not even the slightest inclination to believe that kindness even existed.

A soul that was now watching Kira die. Watching the only one who had ever understood him, the only one who had ever shown him any ounce of affection slowly bleeding out and dying in his arms. A soul that could do nothing but cry and apologise for making Kira suffer through all of the same abuse that he had gone through from Aizen. Still wondering to the very gods how on earth he could ever be forgiven for it.

"Goodbye Izuru-kun."

**-------------------**

"He who is devoid of the power to forgive, is devoid of the power to love."  
_-- Martin Luther King Jr._


	3. Chapter 3

A/N – this be ending number two, the alternate ending. I didn't realise it would end up being this long. I really didn't. Which one is the better ending? In this one Kira still knows about Aizen abusing Gin.

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**Chapter 3: Ending the pain  
(the other Chapter 2)**

"It takes one person to forgive, it takes two people to be reunited."  
_-- Lewis B. Smedes._

All of the pain came flooding back to him, to Gin. For all hat he had suffered at the hands of Aizen, and for all the hurt that he had caused Kira. It is true that one cannot escape from their past, that no soul can run from pain. That it is impossible to fight it. No one can. He fights Kira now, but not with any passion. His passion for anything had long since been killed. He fights now only with no intent to fight, not really wanting to kill. Only to be killed.

"I can't keep goin' like this Kira…"

Kira was panting heavily, both had been fighting for a while now and it was clear that prolonging this fight any longer was draining them. Kira glared at him, the one that had caused him so much pain and heartbreak, so much hurt and abuse. Destroyed his body and soul. Caused him so much suffering without an ounce of remorse or regret.

But there was remorse, and there was regret. Every day there was regret. Kira never knew of it, but there was regret. Gin looked at Kira. He had the cool eyes of a man that had been sent to hell and back, with heavy burdens on his shoulders that he had placed there. Burdens and scars that would never heal. Wounds that went so deep that they could never completely heal, never disappear completely. And it was his fault. It was all his fault.

"Kill me."

Kira's face dropped. "What?"

Gin forced a laugh, if it could even be called a laugh.

"I were a complete an' utter bastard to ya. Take yer vengeance Izuru, kill me."

His voice was shaking. He did not fear death any more, only the living hell he was in. Only living to be abused again and again and being powerless to stop it. Being violated and hurt again and again. That was no life. And after all, there is only so much that one soul can endure; only so much heartbreak one can suffer before it kills them. Gin's wounds were not just physical, they were mental, they were psychological. They would be a stain on this soul for as long as he lived. The Ichimaru Gin that used to exist had long ago been killed by the same betrayal, the same hurt. Scarred by the guilt of inflicting that very abuse onto another undeserving innocent, and the anger and hate that had been misdirected at that soul and himself. The abuse he suffered had killed him.

He was dead inside already.

What was the point in living any longer if life was just full of pain and abuse? If life was meaningless and compassion a far off dream and he would feel unloved and heartbroken.

Ichimaru Gin was incapable of loving any more.

Incapable of feeling anything any more but hurt.

Kira just stood there looking at him. At the tortured soul that was standing before him. Only now seeing and understanding at the same time. Only now seeing the hurt in his eyes. Knowing how the abuse he had been through from Aizen had made him feel so alone and bitter that he could only lash out in fear and confusion. Made him hate himself, and hate his abuser. Hate that the world didn't believe him. Made him abuse and hurt Izuru through his anger. And how that the only way he could escape from it was through death.

Kira knew how it felt to be abused by somebody that you once trusted. He knew what it was like to be hurt and hate himself for allowing it to happen even though he was powerless to stop it. And hate everyone else who let it happen. Kira knew how it was, but in reality Gin was far worse. Kira wasn't so angry that he abused another, Kira wasn't so angry that he tried to run away for good. The damage done to Kira wasn't as bad as the damage done to Gin.

Gin had tried to run away before, but had just got brought back again to suffer. He'd cried himself to sleep, cut himself to get rid of the pain, wanting to bleed it out for good. Lashed out at everyone that was even remotely close to him. And unlike Kira, Gin had actually attempted seppuku.

He walked over to him, slowly. Gin just stood there, waiting. Waiting for it all to end. Waiting for Kira to get his revenge on him for what he'd done. This was the least he could do, even though the damage done was irreversible. He could run, but he couldn't outrun the guilt for it.

Not that apologising would do anything now. The damage was done. Saying sorry would probably be just empty words to Kira.

"I understand. I understand, I know everything…"

"Then, kill me. End my pain, please."

Kira glanced away from his lonely, tear filled eyes, not wanting to let the inner conflict in him show. They were standing right in front of each other now.

"Please?"

Kira's hand went for his zanpaktou, again moving very slowly. This was something that wasn't going to be done quickly; Kira had to be completely sure of himself.

Gin's hand grabbed his wrist.

"Wait,"

Kira watched as Gin unsheathed his own blade. "Use Shinsou instead. I were always meant to die by Shinsou…"

Gin handed his blade to him, and Kira grasped the handle of the wakizashi, breathing shakily. What he meant was "I was always meant to die by your hands". But Gin didn't want Kira's blade to be tainted by his blood. Kira was too good for that.

"I'm sorry Izuru-kun…"

Kira started to cry. For so long had he wondered if there was any hint of remorse or regret. For so long had he been wronged and wanted it to be right again, wondering if Gin was ever sorry for any of it.

He had _apologised._

"I can't do it."

Kira fell to his knees, shaking his head. He couldn't do it, he couldn't kill him. For all of the anger and bitterness he felt, there was something there that couldn't make Kira kill him.

"I just… can't do it."

Gin bent down to Kira's level, lifting Kira's chin so that they made eye contact.

"It's okay."

Gins hand went onto Izuru's, his eyes softer now as he looked into Kira's watery ones.

"It's time fer me to go. Don't worry 'bout me. I'll be alright…"

His hand moved slowly onto Kira's wrist, guiding them. He felt the cool blade pass into him as he guided it through his body. He wasn't going to suffer any more.

Kira's hands moved with Gin's, pushing the blade forward. He knew this was right; that this was for the best, but that didn't stop him from crying as he clutched onto Gins other hand.

"Thankyou..."

Gin smiled again, looking up at Izuru as he breathed his last before passing into eternity. It was the last smile that Kira would ever see.

**-------------------**

"A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist."  
_-- Stewart Alsop _


End file.
